Depression

The pandemic lit up a spark inside of me that had been burning for so long. But it has also turned me into the 'living dead. Dreary and numb, with a feeling of restlessness. I convince myself every now and then that I am okay, but ever so often I hear that little voice inside my head that tells me that I am not. What do I believe?

What you see is a person totally in control of life. However, what you do not see is the everyday struggle of slipping away, of losing myself, of questioning myself at every turn, asking myself 'For how long more?'

About 20 years ago I was diagnosed with depression. I did not know what it was then but I kept getting breathless and felt like my heart was literally skipping a beat every now and then. I felt an increased pulse rate, I could hear my heart beating in my chest and decided after a couple of weeks that I should see a doctor, The only physical indication he had was my pulse rate. Everything else was normal. The doctor sat me down and asked me. "What is on your mind? What are you scared about? Is there something that you are thinking of that scares you?' I did not feel like telling him what was in my mind so I just muttered, 'Nothing'. He went on to tell me that my pulse rate was unusually high and loud. He explained it is all in my head. That was the only instance when I was medically treated. He put me on anti-anxiety pills and antidepressants. I was okay after a few weeks.

So I ask myself these days, if my situation now is clinical, I would definitely say no to that because I am not being treated nor do I have the need to go to the doctor to get treated, It is more to do with where I am at right now, at this point in my life. I do not have any physical abnormalities but yes it is a feeling like I have felt before but cannot explain. The insidious nature of what is engulfing me sets me into a panic mode at times and I am trying so hard not to drown in my own lifeless pit.

And yes, I can easily blame it on the lockdown, because that is all everyone is doing off late. This year's New Year messages indeed stood out with liners in most that reminisce about this past year not being a good one. Not to make this about myself, but this has definitely been a year of bad happenings at almost every turn. The global pandemic, deaths which we have lost count of, people losing jobs, businesses shutting down, politicians making the best of these times, people unable to go out freely, multiple and extended lockdowns depending on which country you come from, hospitals running out of space and to top all of that the new COVID virus that is now spreading. Every death is now reduced to a mere number, a statistic, and those faces might be forgotten soon, but not for the families they left behind. Imagine not having the chance to say goodbye to your loved one, not being able to give them a decent burial, and the isolated deaths that stare the infected population in the face.

Amidst all of this, I am looking for a ray of hope, for the sun to shine or just shed a few rays through that dark, heavy-laden cloud cover. It is like I have been in lockdown for ages. First, the government imposed one and now a self-imposed lockdown. I do however feel a lot more confident in recent days to go out, mainly because of the decrease in cases. At times, I wish I could just throw caution to the wind and do as I please. But playing with my life automatically means I am playing with another life too, not just mine. So I try to be wary of people around and situations.

I have found ways to cope. Keeping myself occupied at all times within the confines of my space has allowed me to create a sort of balance and ensure I do not go over the edge, If not at home, I go for short drives. I do love my drives on certain days. No agenda, no route, just aimless or directionless drives, Like there was no map ever and just me and the road, scanning and creating my own path, But in India, especially where I am from, the potholes are more than the road. So even that turns out to be a bummer most of the time.

When at home, moving from one room to the next, the kitchen and the hall with its attached balcony is what I do all day. It's almost like checking in on Facebook from one room to another for a new activity or maybe an old one, but a change nevertheless, But I do maintain comfort spaces within the house where I often find myself sitting for hours just staring into space.

Slumber used to be my best friend on most days. I love it like I love food. It is my secret space, my time capsule, my protection in a way to avoid the reality of pain. I know that too much of it is not good. But I also know that too little is harmful. I am in a zone now, where I do not have that luxury of good sleep with no disturbance which adds to my current state. I have to be alert even in my sleep now.

So yes, I am keeping myself busy with activities like never before. Netflix, Prime, TV series, comedy shows, my 1500 piece puzzle which I started but stuck at the moment, writing, reading a bit, and with all that work is also included. The rest of the time I am busy with cooking, cleaning, and looking after my aged mother.

Right now, it's like I am finding my way through the Amazon forest which is a task. But I hope to emerge unscathed soon.

Sending my love and prayers to those who are going through similar situations with no knowledge of how or why. I hope you find the root cause and work on repairing yourself before it is too late. And for those who know the reasons, I pray that you find the strength to find your way out of that forest and fight your way back.